Mild Thoughts

“My John”
You say the words
And it’s cute, a little cringey
For a second I imagine you’re saying my name

But then again
I’ve already been there
That is a well of pain

How many women have so loosly thrown me around?
Like a game winning shot into a laundry bin
And yet with such heavy endearment
You’d think there are stakes to win

You two are married
That’s rock solid
Obviously

Right?

And you’re high school sweethearts
So I take it you’ve never seen the expanse
The lush green grass and waterfalls of a new free world
Some call it adult singlehood

But eventually it devolves
Into an endless dry cracked earth
One might call lonliness

Among it
A myriad of oases
Called happy relationships
You find them mostly by accident
And take every chance to bask in their waters
Remembering feelings you thought were dreams

But they don’t last if you aren’t lucky
And your lack of luck seems to compound
And so you keep going until you find another
And the more you see, the more their veil weakens
The more you see them for the mirages they truly are
That all this time you’ve just been wandering
Through a desert of soon to be scars

Steered awry by your own hope
Not realizing the only true beauty left
Is simply accepting who and where you are
Accepting yourself and just living
Instead of breaking yourself on wishes
Hoping for a cure in their stars

Because they don’t know better
And they aren’t special and different
And though they may tell you that you are
They know not what they say

Not saying no one is special
Everyone is in their own way
They are simply children with no perspective
They aren’t wise enough to know they tell lies

So is it truly a lie?

I suppose not, if you don’t know any different
But you, you know all too well now
Your freckled skin tells the tale

“My John”
Such good
Honest intention
Special, at least for now
Yet it is so easily substituted
And possibly soon to be

Tired from overuse
Losing meaning each time
When does it become an illusion?
When it becomes my name?

“My Nick”

Does it have the same strength?
Maybe it’s something you grow into
Perhaps stronger if you choose to hesitate
Or is it marred by wanton waste
A paper folded until it breaks

What is special?
What is love?
Once you’ve walked 100 miles
What is 101?

Forced to bury a dear friend
Never to be replaced
Until one day
You can’t imagine their face
Someone else has taken their place
Filling the void, their shared embrace

Truth or deception?
Is that my question?
Or do I simply wish to hate?
Jealousy or envy?
Do I hate their love?
Their cavaleer naivety?
Or wish to take his place?

Love is real in the now
Until it is gone
So love is not eternal
And yet it is not fleeting
Yet it is so easily handed out
Yet it is so damn difficult to obtain

So I guess appreciate what you have
And don’t reveal the secret
Don’t ruin the magic
Accept the oasis

Just live in it
Roll in it
Swim in it
Bite your tongue
Enjoy it while it lasts

I say nothing-

While the new you
She says the words
“My Nick”