Mild Thoughts

I want to kill myself
But you will be sad

I want it all to end
I dont care anymore
I have nothing to live for
All the things I desire are miles away
A chance, not a guarantee

And even then
From past experience
I know I wont be happy
I will forever be looking for a new high

You call them goals and achievements
New successes
Aspirations
Dreams
I see them for what they truly are
New distractions
Addictions
Lies

I’m tired of being a kid
I’m tired of being an adult
I’m tired of being a creature of habit
I’m tired of working for someone else
I’m tired of chasing things and people
I’m tired of wanting something more
I’m tired of existing
I’m tired

But you wont let me go
You will hold on so tightly
Even after I am gone
You will cry and you will miss me
Trying to figure out what you did wrong

If you had just been there
If you had just seen
Maybe one more conversation
Or laugh
Or hug
And I would still be

But it is not your fault
It is just me
Full of resentment
For a place I no longer wish to be

Dont worry
Eventually you will see
Years it may take
Before the thought of me makes you angry
How selfish I was
How I hurt everyone around me
How dare I
You loved me
How could this be

But let me tell you something
As one day you may be me
Tired in your bones
A leech upon society
Looking at your dearest friends
Colleagues and family

I just want to rest
You say
To unburden you
To be free

Suicide is wrong
They say
I will be sad
Dont leave me

You are wrong
We say
Don’t you see how you hurt me
How selfish can you be