Mild Thoughts

Paul asked about the woman I am dating today
I panicked and described a guy friend
I didn’t want to tell him the truth
But why hide her?

Well…
You see…
Wait a moment
I just had an epiphany
Eyes open yet meditating
I see the woman I am dating
I truly embrace all of her qualities
Everything that makes her amazing
Everything that makes her worth dating
And everything that makes her not
Every one of her flaws and scars
A marriage of imperfections
A cathartic realization
Truly seeing her
Knowing her
Being her

Kind
Witty
Funny
Scared
Isolated
Enjoyable
Passionate
Empathetic
Reserved
Friendly
Nerdy
Wild
Sad

Well…
Who is she?
Let me tell you
She loves trivia nights
And wants to see my friends
But she’s had some bad experiences
Some people she doesn’t want to run into
She’s been hurt one too many times
And won’t feed that wolf again
She’s getting stronger now
And focusing on her life
The positive things

Spending time
On those who make time
Those who reach out and plan
Rekindling and tending old friendships
Fumbling everything along the way
She’s trying the best she can
Even though she feels
Not good enough

She finds herself being selfish
Lazy
Unproductive
Letting down her family
Friends
Co-workers
And even more so
Herself
She’s human
Nothing truly special

However she is special to me
Life with her these past few weeks
Has been incredibly magical
I’ve missed out on a lot
Putting time into her
But I’d be lying
Saying it’s all been a loss
I’ve had unforgettable experiences
Ones I would have never had without her
Even if it seems like it is isolating

She helps me know my family
Appreciate the time we have
Enjoying my Mom’s laugh
And her time worn smile
And overcaring nature
I often get irritated with her
But I no longer take for granted
The remaining days we have left
She’s helped me see that

Some days we travel
Other days we just lay in bed
A shadow draped over her world
I run fingers through her hair
And remind her
Of all the reasons to live
All the golden moments she spreads
Or how just burning her own fire can be enough
She squeezes my hand and says nothing
But I know its all going to be okay
I haven’t lost her today

We binge shows and video games together
Sometimes to our detriment
Staying up too late
Definitely nights we don’t get enough sleep
I ask her to turn the lights off
But she doesn’t listen
And is wandering the house at 2 am
Sometimes I feel like giving up
Instead of giving in
Maybe I am putting in too much effort
Into an abusive relationship
Where’s the silver lining?

Well other times she is accountable
She’s pulling me into the gym
When all I want is to quit
To sleep
And waste away
But before I know it
Two hours have passed
Lying on the floor exhausted
My heart pumping sweet mercury
My skin singing a symphony of sweat
An uncontrollable grin tattooed on my face
I pushed through my negative desires
I am achieving something great
A better version of me
And she is right there beside me

Maybe I’m just going fucking crazy
Maybe we aren’t the perfect pair
But what couple is perfect?
And isn’t all that matters:
That we enjoy the company?
That the pros outway the cons?
That we choose happiness?

Maybe she is a lie to you
Maybe even a lie to me
But she’s there for me
As I am there for her
Both highs and lows
So we try together
To make it better
A world shared
With the other
Love yourself
Call her Ego
Call her Id
Whatever

I am writing again!
We are writing again!
And I hear her cheering:
You can do this!
We can do this!
Who cares what they think?
Fuck ’em!
Just do it!

So yeah…
I’ve been seeing this girl lately
And she makes me happy
Me
Myself
And I
Make me happy