Mild Thoughts

Some days
I am a rainbow
Dazzling the world
With everything I can be

A smoldering of ruby red passion
A healthy helping of orange originality
A dollop of light up your day yellow sunshine

An unfortunately small gift of green self-growth
A seemingly boundless bundle of blueberry blues
An overwhelming ocean of indigo self-indulgence
A septic splash of self-assured violet vindication

You’d think such a myriad would be enough
That I wouldn’t hide away in my writing
Shy away from my friends and family
Find my light flickering and waning
The sun setting an icy black
No more me to share

But some days
Being everything I am
Feels like it just isn’t enough
I find the colors I use to paint the world
They have all unceremoniously bled together
Into a puddle of faded melodramatic grey
How can I accomplish so much
Yet feel like it’s so little?

Other days
I pick one pigment
And make it truly sparkle
A thin stroke upon the canvas
With such purpose and boldness
The eyes can’t help but dance within it
The heart can’t help but feel fulfilled

But with time all things fade
Doing the same thing
Day in and day out
Feels forgettable

Most days I feel lost
Wading in a sea of other painters
Each using their own lustrious colors
Blend me up with the rest
Try to pull me out
You can’t

What is special?
I question who I am
I question why I am here
I question why I even bother to paint
I question whether anyone will ever read this

I question why these words always come out blue
When I have such a bright well of colors in me
So how can I feel like something is missing
I must stop writing my life as a tragedy
Despite my crippling anxiety

On days like these
My insides are screaming
Yet I wont let myself stop from painting
I have a desire to believe that I am enough
That not all of my colors are ugly
Only thing left is to try

After all
I’m not really alone am I
Each of us is longing for a true connection
A burning hope to light another’s mundane sky
As they have inspired us in their own ways
We all need a rainbow
Some days